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Swarm, then clasp our tiny bodies to his great one, hoping to drag him to the ground with our weight. My father seems sulky, maybe embarrassed I called him out in front of my mother-in-law. My father was abused as a child, terrorized by authoritarian parents who gave him no words for his emotions or safety to experience them, instead teaching him that to be a parent means to cause pain. She had been the nice parent. his dad would go for the belt. With fingers splayed, he grabbed my chest, digging into the flesh as if he could rip out the heart, still beating. Posted by Brian Gresko on June 11, To appease — and please — him, and desperate to find peace, I hit my son. For a time, the entire family bore scars. Instead of getting the message, he whacks her with a snowy missile. A kind of violent embrace. As a toddler, my son acted out, had trouble with transitions, socializing, and anxiety. This energy, unbounded, can spill out of control. They represented an intimacy I rarely experienced with him otherwise. I no longer ask him for parenting advice, or share intimate details of that part of myself. So, in conversation and through experience over the course of years, my son and I establish rules.

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Description: In a purplish shade of bruise, with smirks and implications, taunts and sucker punches. When reading, he snuggles close. I tickle and never pinch. But to my dad, this is how boys play. I was falling in love with this baby, and I wanted to protect him, not expose him to the anger, frustration, and suffering I had known at the hands of my father. And my son can quickly escalate from pillow fighting to punching, his play crossing an invisible line, triggering something in the ego or maybe a fear factor in his lizard brain, an emotional alchemy which transforms mock battles into actual warfare. I tell him to cut it out. I demonstrate gentle touches with him daily, and more than that, I talk with him about touching. I recall an afternoon at home alone with him as a baby, in the early days of being a stay-at-home dad, running my hands over his head, feeling how the wisps of hair bent under my palm then sprang back to shape like little springs. This is how the rules of the patriarchy propagate themselves. Only once do I remember snuggling next to him as he read Treasure Island to me in bed. My therapist gives a name to what I witnessed and experienced with my dad growing up. He had trouble making friends, and his teachers urged us to seek a psychological evaluation.
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